Flashing Funny: Three Stories by Tom Hazuka

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Crushed ButtConnie huddled near the doorway with the other seven smokers from the office, trying to avoid a slanting downpour, enduring dirty looks from the pure-lunged majority who passed through the cancer cloud they were creating. Peggy Cochran even had the balls to fake a cough, that sanctimonious cunt.

Connie leaned back against the NO SMOKING WITHIN 25 FEET sign, blocking the circled cigarette with a red slash through it. She wondered which was harder, quitting smoking or finding a single thing she had in common with these people besides an addiction.

Suddenly everyone laughed at something, so Connie laughed too.

 

Off Peak

The morning after Rachel returned from her high school reunion halfway across the country, she introduced Cliff to a sex position he not only had never tried before, he’d never even imagined it. Despite its wonders he couldn’t decide if the surprise was pleasant or not, because to his knowledge Rachel was not the type to consult manuals. Maybe he should have caved in and gone to the reunion like she wanted. Maybe he shouldn’t have insisted quite so vehemently that she’d have more fun without him. In the end, he had to admit she found a pretty reasonable flight.

 

Lagniappe

Carson adjusts his sweaty ass on the ripped red naugahyde. He’s been at Autofix nearly three hours, waiting for a part so precious that apparently no warehouse dares to stock it. He can’t drink any more sludgy coffee, and feels guilty for punching the planet in the balls by using a Styrofoam cup. He moronically forgot to bring a book, but blaring TV Judge Judy makes reading impossible anyway.

“Sir, if it’s some consolation, there’s a set labor charge for the job, no matter how long it takes.”

“Gee, I feel better already.”

And somehow, sort of, he actually did.

 

For more, see our interview with Tom Hazuka, Talking Funny with Tom Hazuka.

Photo credit: Jeremy Brooks

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